Goodbyes.| when it’s time

The hardest thing about goodbyes is when you’re constantly asking yourself whether letting go of someone is the undeniable solution or an awful mistake…  I honestly haven’t found an answer to that question yet… But facing the hard truth that your reasons for leaving are solid and once hurted you so bad that you were no longer able to be yourself …that’s a brave thing to do … I guess….  The fear of never stop missing someone causes me to enforce closure. But how do you let go of someone you want to spend every minute with and how could you allow someone to become this important in the first place. Love is a scary thing isn’t it…  And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing…

I think we are all scared of love and almosts… Because there is this non-perfect person being far too close to our heart of hearts and letting them in means giving them power. It makes me sad when people abuse this power by calling someone crazy, rejecting them for their insecurities  or if I hear couples making fun of one anothers weaknesses and they expose  intead of covering and honoring… Idk …  maybe that’s considered to be normal in our desensitized dishonoring society where men are called stupid and women crazy. Leslie Ludy once mentioned in one of her articles that sarcastic jokes about men’s mistakes originate from a place of hurt femininity  and I have found that to be true…. When someone hurts you, is ignorant  instead of saying sorry and then hurts you all over again- it is easier to ignore the pain and develop bitter thoughts than to confront and process the hurt.

How could you honor someone who doesn’t “deserve” to be honored… We’re careful not to love too much, not care too much and we do not feel save to open up too deep in a generation where everyone leaves when conflicts arrise. We don’t wanna to get hurt therefore we don’t love as much.  Or perhaps we don’t realise how much someone means to us…until they are gone…? It is scary to love…. How do you know if this person is worth the pain? How do you know this will work out? Lift you up or tear your heart to pieces?

Sometimes the right person at the wrong time will always be a little too wrong. Sometimes people are not ready and you’re scared that they never will be. Never change. Never fight for love.  And realising that this is who they are right now … and there is nothing you can do about it, is not an easy thing to do.

We can’t change people…. We can’t fall in love with the idea of a person and hope that one day they will change into that better version of themselves….  lowering your expectations just because you feel like their heart is in the right place and someday they will grow into this perfect image isn’t fair. They have to learn and change on their own in their own timing… And there is no guarantee that they ever will…
And who can tell you when it is time to move on or if you should wait a little longer….
B. Taplin wrote that you can’t tell a heart that it’s time to move on. If you feel like moving on is a choice than that’s a sign that you already did… I think that’s true. But it’s probably not fair to stick around just to always make them feel like they are not good enough and always falling short… You can just decide whether or not this is an acceptable behavior for you. And if the answer is no….  your heart will find a way to say goodbye…eventually.

I listened to Keaton Henson’s music on repeat and thought the song was so accurately describing the sobering feeling of facing all the hurt and having to say goodbye to someone you will love for the rest of your life… No hate …No anger…. just the deafning sound of a not-meant-to-be.  A genuine tender sorry and thousand unspoken words you were never able to tell someone.

I fear goodbyes … I fear closure… Admitting that the person you’re loving is not able to give you the love you deserve. Maybe your heart is not ready yet to give up on someone… and that’s okay… The heart descides when it’s ready to move on… and able to trust again.

“How Could I Have Known”

How could I have known
You were the one for me?
How could I have known
You were the air I breathe
If I don’t believe in love?

How was I to know
I couldn’t live without
Your arms around me?
If you’d only come back now
I’d not let you down again
And how could you allow
One little love you saw?
How could I think
If you’d only hold me close
I’d not let you go again?

Guess I could’ve been
A better man
I should have held onto your coat
But how could I’ve known?

And now looking back
Should have been on my knees
But I can be cold
Shoulda said “Stay with me
Please don’t leave me alone”

And those other girls
They never made me feel
The way I do now
Know that our love was real
But I broke the deal
And now…

I’m out in the cold
Baby come hold me close
Please don’t let me drown
Woman I love the most
My holy ghost
Goddamn

Guess I could have tried
A little harder
I see comfort in being alone
How could I have known?

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We never started|

Jemwisper’s compilation of movie scenes and cutouts .   I think this is heart- gripping art…  telling a story … making people cry… hope…feel! This particular edit is called ‘we never started’ …  Thought I might share it with you guys.

 

I dont like seeing myself being needy|random thoughts

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„Being needy equals being  worthless“. That’s what my thoughts bouldly proclaim. Fully convinced that I would never be that person, I distanced myself from everything that could possibly show my weakness. I don’t mean weakness as in crying or feeling sad or not being able to function.  I mean the kind of weakness where my wounds are bleeding. Where I accuse people and hold on too tight because I fear being alone. I rarely allow myself to loose control but it happens.

I mean being clingy. Wanting a friend so bad that I am willing to ignore that the other person is maybe not as interested in this relationship as I am.

Being that person who depends on someone elses love and care…. I never thought I would do that…. At least I would have never admited it.

We all despise the idea of being needy. We are independent and strong. We don’t need anyone but ourselves ….right?

But …why? What’s wrong with wanting to be loved…? Am I not human like others?  What I mean is….We should not feel ashamed of this need for love. It’s completely normal for a human being to seek unconditional love. We are made for love.
Sometimes we are just searching in the wrong places… in people… attention…approval or likes….  but there’s nothing wrong with feeling needy. I guess it’s just humiliating if we see ourselves showing off this insecure part of ours.

Because we know most people can’t handle weakness. Being needy is seen as unattractive….we would rather show everybody how dettached we are…oh how independent and strong.

I am speaking of myself here… I am immediately turned off by a guy who is getting clingy…. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that it’s healthy to depend on a person’s love. It’s just the way we react to that.

Maybe you are the only person this guy is opening up to …and we need to be careful in handling a delicate heart….

With careful, wise words  and a gentle spirit. It’s okay sometimes to be a clingy mess….It reveals our fears and hidden lies. Buried so deep in our hearts that only someone who’s dear to our soul can unveil them. Even when they are not the solution to the problem.

Do you guys know this feeling? Do you have this one person in your life who turns you into a beautiful needy mess?

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When the presence of a person depletes you| boundaries

„Sometimes I don’t see people for who they really are“ was my friend’s answer to why some people’s presence drain  you.  She told me that sometimes she forgets, that this person is paying a lot of attention to fun and appearance. It is not just the person who listens and sometimes understands, it is also the person who could easily neglect your friendship if they’re around other people. It is not the honesty where you ARE it is the kind of honesty where you’re still pretending to BE.

That’s sometimes why you feel so depleted after spending some time with certain friends… you forgot to set the boundaries which are necessairy for this friendship because you forgot that you can’t entrust them with your honest self. You need to be careful with your heart even if you like this person and maybe sometimes feel like they is a place for depth. They are not able to hold your thoughts, at least not yet.

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Dear Heart,

don’t give into talking about things you don’t wanna talk about. You don’t need to please people who wanna be your friends. Maybe you could take a step back and revaluate this friendship and reestablish some boundaries. Maybe this is just someone you can hangout with and that’s it for now.

Being authentic and self-acceptance

Being myself once was easier…but as you experience relationships, life breaks you… people break you.

If there is no one around you where you can be yourself, you likely will not be yourself around anyone. Maybe you will distance yourself from spending time alone because you don’t wanna face your real self anymore. You stop liking your self. Why facing it? Why listening to your heart if clearly nobody else does.

We constantly change ourselves in order to be more likable ….more accepted…and the price is your own heart…. it becomes numb. It doesn’t feel deep pain but therefore it doesn’t feel joy or peace as well. Continue reading “Being authentic and self-acceptance”

Falling out of love|the art of pretending you’re not

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I do not know much …but i feel like falling out of love is not possible. I believe that we can have a crush on someone or like someone very much and realize afterwards that you were not compatible at all. But I don’t think that love  has the ability to stop.

And Somehow i believe that the reasons why relationships grew cold and you distance yourself from one another is all the little things you never talked about. The hard words, the insensible way you talk to someone, the making fun of them, the not-listening, the not-asking, the not-believing-in-their-dreams,manliness or… soul. The not-taking serious-their hurt, the loosing-your-fascination-for-them, the questioning-their-heart when all they need is someone who listens. And especially the not-saying-and-meaning-sorry….
All those things left unspoken.
I am not saying that speaking them out saves anything because maybe you never felt like there was a safe space to open up….

But to be honest I think I really don’t believe that falling out of love exists….A stop-liking-someone or a stop-caring …but a stop-loving-someone? Is it true love’s nature to ever stop?

I feel like this could easily be misunderstood. By know means I’m saying  you should stay with a person who is doing you no good, but after all maybe this wasn’t love at all.

I think true love is an exception from everything you know.

And I am also scared to believe that this is really true but I would rather pour out my heart to believe it than settle for anything less.
I don’t need to find „a“ boyfriend or date „somebody“. I just need you – the Love of my life. And that is a person not  a somebody. I really don’t get the whole idea of dating. I just don’t get it.

It’s almost portrait as some essential activity you have to partake in. Constantly throwing yourself out there in search for someone. But isn’t this a little ridiculous, opening up constantly to someone who stays a few weeks, month or just one day.
I just don’t get it. Why would I do that to yourself, and why is this considered to be normal?

You fall in love with a person . A someone. And you start liking them because of who they are.

They are not just a boyfriend/ a girlfriend/a husband/ a wife or otherwise everybody could take their place. You fall in love because their is nobody like them. And if it is so, maybe it will never stop and never let you forget.
Even if life seems to prove so often that love or faint doesn’t exist, somehow against all logic I still believe it does. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I do believe most people secretly do too. even the so called „pessimists“ are just people who’s dreams have been shattered to pieces by life. Because sometimes I feel like I am that person that secretly is still hopes. You can’t make you heart stop hoping, dreaming… can you?
It’s just the mind that gets convinced easily… the heart still believes…

If you think now that this way of thinking sounds awfully romantic, then I have to say…It is. haha…

But maybe it doesn’t equal being unrealistic. We will see, I will report back in 40 years.

Love Mel (Picture was taken on the day that I had the worst hike of my life)

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P.s.: Lately I am a little obsessed with Beau Taplin’s writings… I think he has such a unique breathtaking way of putting things…I like the way he seems to think sometimes…

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