emotional numbness is a part of healing

Hey guys,

I actually dont know who is still stopping by to check my blogposts but I haven’t posted something during this summer. Writing stuff basically requires you to think. And thinking means falling. Falling into thoughts, falling into feelings…falling into exploring your mind. And that was not something I was ready for this summer.
I briefly read a few thoughts from an article about emotional numbness, where the author described numbness as a part of a healing process and this thought eased my mind.

I always considered feeling nothing and being numb to be the worst that could ever happen to someone. So I never really tried to let these emotions of feeling nothing BE what they are. I didn’t appreciate them so i denied that numbness was something that was actually present right now and right here at this moment.
Wounds leave scars and scar-tissue is not something that is sensitive to warm, cold, a touch or water.  And that made me think.

This is kind of new to me… considering numbness to be a part of a healing process and not something where you are stuck in this nirvana of nothingness. Accepting even numbness and facing it as a part of who you are, means coming closer to the essence of your being and making peace with what is and what is not…. i guess.

I missed writing. I missed it so much.

This is nothing to special but it is a small step in the direction of what feels familiar to me.

Hugs XX

 

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Goodbyes.| when it’s time

The hardest thing about goodbyes is when you’re constantly asking yourself whether letting go of someone is the undeniable solution or an awful mistake…  I honestly haven’t found an answer to that question yet… But facing the hard truth that your reasons for leaving are solid and once hurted you so bad that you were no longer able to be yourself …that’s a brave thing to do … I guess….  The fear of never stop missing someone causes me to enforce closure. But how do you let go of someone you want to spend every minute with and how could you allow someone to become this important in the first place. Love is a scary thing isn’t it…  And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing…

I think we are all scared of love and almosts… Because there is this non-perfect person being far too close to our heart of hearts and letting them in means giving them power. It makes me sad when people abuse this power by calling someone crazy, rejecting them for their insecurities  or if I hear couples making fun of one anothers weaknesses and they expose  intead of covering and honoring… Idk …  maybe that’s considered to be normal in our desensitized dishonoring society where men are called stupid and women crazy. Leslie Ludy once mentioned in one of her articles that sarcastic jokes about men’s mistakes originate from a place of hurt femininity  and I have found that to be true…. When someone hurts you, is ignorant  instead of saying sorry and then hurts you all over again- it is easier to ignore the pain and develop bitter thoughts than to confront and process the hurt.

How could you honor someone who doesn’t “deserve” to be honored… We’re careful not to love too much, not care too much and we do not feel save to open up too deep in a generation where everyone leaves when conflicts arrise. We don’t wanna to get hurt therefore we don’t love as much.  Or perhaps we don’t realise how much someone means to us…until they are gone…? It is scary to love…. How do you know if this person is worth the pain? How do you know this will work out? Lift you up or tear your heart to pieces?

Sometimes the right person at the wrong time will always be a little too wrong. Sometimes people are not ready and you’re scared that they never will be. Never change. Never fight for love.  And realising that this is who they are right now … and there is nothing you can do about it, is not an easy thing to do.

We can’t change people…. We can’t fall in love with the idea of a person and hope that one day they will change into that better version of themselves….  lowering your expectations just because you feel like their heart is in the right place and someday they will grow into this perfect image isn’t fair. They have to learn and change on their own in their own timing… And there is no guarantee that they ever will…
And who can tell you when it is time to move on or if you should wait a little longer….
B. Taplin wrote that you can’t tell a heart that it’s time to move on. If you feel like moving on is a choice than that’s a sign that you already did… I think that’s true. But it’s probably not fair to stick around just to always make them feel like they are not good enough and always falling short… You can just decide whether or not this is an acceptable behavior for you. And if the answer is no….  your heart will find a way to say goodbye…eventually.

I listened to Keaton Henson’s music on repeat and thought the song was so accurately describing the sobering feeling of facing all the hurt and having to say goodbye to someone you will love for the rest of your life… No hate …No anger…. just the deafning sound of a not-meant-to-be.  A genuine tender sorry and thousand unspoken words you were never able to tell someone.

I fear goodbyes … I fear closure… Admitting that the person you’re loving is not able to give you the love you deserve. Maybe your heart is not ready yet to give up on someone… and that’s okay… The heart descides when it’s ready to move on… and able to trust again.

“How Could I Have Known”

How could I have known
You were the one for me?
How could I have known
You were the air I breathe
If I don’t believe in love?

How was I to know
I couldn’t live without
Your arms around me?
If you’d only come back now
I’d not let you down again
And how could you allow
One little love you saw?
How could I think
If you’d only hold me close
I’d not let you go again?

Guess I could’ve been
A better man
I should have held onto your coat
But how could I’ve known?

And now looking back
Should have been on my knees
But I can be cold
Shoulda said “Stay with me
Please don’t leave me alone”

And those other girls
They never made me feel
The way I do now
Know that our love was real
But I broke the deal
And now…

I’m out in the cold
Baby come hold me close
Please don’t let me drown
Woman I love the most
My holy ghost
Goddamn

Guess I could have tried
A little harder
I see comfort in being alone
How could I have known?

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Being all in | midnight pondering poetry

You wanna get to know me? Show me all of who you are and then some more. Unveil your fears and joys, Let them loose…falling into arms that are willing to hold and discover your soul.

Let your mind unfold before my eyes, show me that this is what you want. No holding back.
This is what safety feels like. Seeing you letting yourself fall into this. Into love.
This is what it takes to dig deep into a persons soul and mind.

I dont like seeing myself being needy|random thoughts

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„Being needy equals being  worthless“. That’s what my thoughts bouldly proclaim. Fully convinced that I would never be that person, I distanced myself from everything that could possibly show my weakness. I don’t mean weakness as in crying or feeling sad or not being able to function.  I mean the kind of weakness where my wounds are bleeding. Where I accuse people and hold on too tight because I fear being alone. I rarely allow myself to loose control but it happens.

I mean being clingy. Wanting a friend so bad that I am willing to ignore that the other person is maybe not as interested in this relationship as I am.

Being that person who depends on someone elses love and care…. I never thought I would do that…. At least I would have never admited it.

We all despise the idea of being needy. We are independent and strong. We don’t need anyone but ourselves ….right?

But …why? What’s wrong with wanting to be loved…? Am I not human like others?  What I mean is….We should not feel ashamed of this need for love. It’s completely normal for a human being to seek unconditional love. We are made for love.
Sometimes we are just searching in the wrong places… in people… attention…approval or likes….  but there’s nothing wrong with feeling needy. I guess it’s just humiliating if we see ourselves showing off this insecure part of ours.

Because we know most people can’t handle weakness. Being needy is seen as unattractive….we would rather show everybody how dettached we are…oh how independent and strong.

I am speaking of myself here… I am immediately turned off by a guy who is getting clingy…. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that it’s healthy to depend on a person’s love. It’s just the way we react to that.

Maybe you are the only person this guy is opening up to …and we need to be careful in handling a delicate heart….

With careful, wise words  and a gentle spirit. It’s okay sometimes to be a clingy mess….It reveals our fears and hidden lies. Buried so deep in our hearts that only someone who’s dear to our soul can unveil them. Even when they are not the solution to the problem.

Do you guys know this feeling? Do you have this one person in your life who turns you into a beautiful needy mess?

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It is what it is| poetry picks

Just had some thoughts on love these past couple of days…. That maybe sometimes we need to let go the idea of how it should have happened and how it is supposed to be and just let it be what it is…

This would mean to aknowledge and believe that everything happens for a reason…and that everything is okay… right now …right here…  between loosing myself and loosing what I love …  I don’t know what to do … Truth is, nobody knows you like you know yourself. No one knows if you are at peace or about to compromise..  The hardest thing is to see everything as it is… all cards on the table dear self. And if confusion is everything there is for now, than let it be  confusion … and wait. Wait and see.

No rushing into compromises….And no letting go… Giving it time to unfold into whatever it’s supposed to become…mh …

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I thought I might share a poem from one of my favourite poets Erich Fried…. The way he writes about love just gets to you…well at least it gets to me.

Although I can’t find a translation of my favourite poem, I thought about including this one…

 

What it is

It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is calamity
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ludicrous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love

 

March music| song favourites

Can someone please explain why music is able to tackle your heart and feelings in the blink of an eye and grab your soul with a simple melody that reminds you of who you are and what you really do believe in…. Well I can’t. But that’s how I feel about what music does…what art does to people… about a picture…about songs.

Where explaining is not needed and you just get it… or you don’t ….

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To be honest I don’t mean to sound like a grandma but I rarely feel anything when I listen to todays’s music…. Often words are meaningless and empty…. But then again, maybe there will always be just a few who master the art of taking your heart right back to it’s real self… or brush your soul with a simple truth that sets you free….

The art of being an honest raw soul who is willing to face all the hate just to make someone else feel less alone. That sounds quite cheesy …I know… I am a romantic at heart…. Artist will understand

Anyways this is the song I am currently listening to on repeat. It’s an acoustic version of xx’s song ‘intro’ by city of the sun.

 

P.S. The featured image is from pixabay–  unfortunately I don’t have any cool headphone shots on my macbook. thanks for reading.  I hope you’ll have a lovely weekend.

xx Mel

 

 

What matters | some lovely thoughts on self-promotion

“It is the bridegroom who marries the bride, and the bridegroom’s friend is simply glad to stand with him and hear his vows. Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less”. John 3:29-30 As Christians, we often spiritualize the idea of self-promotion. […]

via A FRIEND OF THE BRIDEGROOM — Establish Her

When the presence of a person depletes you| boundaries

„Sometimes I don’t see people for who they really are“ was my friend’s answer to why some people’s presence drain  you.  She told me that sometimes she forgets, that this person is paying a lot of attention to fun and appearance. It is not just the person who listens and sometimes understands, it is also the person who could easily neglect your friendship if they’re around other people. It is not the honesty where you ARE it is the kind of honesty where you’re still pretending to BE.

That’s sometimes why you feel so depleted after spending some time with certain friends… you forgot to set the boundaries which are necessairy for this friendship because you forgot that you can’t entrust them with your honest self. You need to be careful with your heart even if you like this person and maybe sometimes feel like they is a place for depth. They are not able to hold your thoughts, at least not yet.

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Dear Heart,

don’t give into talking about things you don’t wanna talk about. You don’t need to please people who wanna be your friends. Maybe you could take a step back and revaluate this friendship and reestablish some boundaries. Maybe this is just someone you can hangout with and that’s it for now.

New beginnings| anxiety

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New beginnings are hard. They are just as frightening as they exite. The reason why I didn’t feel like writing or blogging this last month is because I traveled back to europe and moved to one of the biggest cities there. I was so overwhelmed these last couple of days that I felt like I would never be able to be myself again (Jour 1 was not amour numéro 1 Louanne…it was hell!!!).

Actually I do like big cities. I love the diversity, countless strangers, shops, bars, coffee shops and activities… I just feel like big cities can swallow you up and spit you out in the blink of an eye … There is anonymity but therefore individuality suffers.. there is diversity and on the other hand people are struggeling to find their place…

Do you know this feeling of constantly being pushed into doing something and being busy and you start to push and break yourself as a result…. trying to live up to the standard and expectations of other people?… This is basically the situation right now. I had no grace left for myself…. basically 24/7 stress-self-destructive-mindset.

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I feel like I need to wind down and I’m in deep need for peace right know… There is too much noise  outside, inside. On the bright side: Someone else told me to slow down. Which is rare and surprised me to say the least… and I am the proud owner of some brand new unicorn slippers (I am obsessed!).

It is strange to share my thoughts on the internet… but honestly, I do not want to write exclusively about results and solutions my heart experienced…. Sometimes I am in need to share a little more process and chaos…

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Moving without friends is a hard thing to do. It is as if the universe is unignoribly confronting you with yourself. No safety, no directions, no comforting friends… nothing but your naked soul.  That’s where I realized that I am completely and utterly lost ….

 

Maybe we are in need to feel a little lost for the rest of our lives…..

Maybe feeling secure and in control of everything is a dangerous comforting Illusion…. Bill Johnson said something like: Where there is no mystery, there is no need to trust, no need to believe…

It sounds like …being at peace with not knowing what comes next.

“I abandon my addiction for the certainty of life and my need to know everything” 

 

Hope you guys had a lovely week. Next post will probably be beauty related since I went shopping this week  hehe  -which btw explains the unicorn slippers.

Love Mel