Goodbyes.| when it’s time

The hardest thing about goodbyes is when you’re constantly asking yourself whether letting go of someone is the undeniable solution or an awful mistake…  I honestly haven’t found an answer to that question yet… But facing the hard truth that your reasons for leaving are solid and once hurted you so bad that you were no longer able to be yourself …that’s a brave thing to do … I guess….  The fear of never stop missing someone causes me to enforce closure. But how do you let go of someone you want to spend every minute with and how could you allow someone to become this important in the first place. Love is a scary thing isn’t it…  And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing…

I think we are all scared of love and almosts… Because there is this non-perfect person being far too close to our heart of hearts and letting them in means giving them power. It makes me sad when people abuse this power by calling someone crazy, rejecting them for their insecurities  or if I hear couples making fun of one anothers weaknesses and they expose  intead of covering and honoring… Idk …  maybe that’s considered to be normal in our desensitized dishonoring society where men are called stupid and women crazy. Leslie Ludy once mentioned in one of her articles that sarcastic jokes about men’s mistakes originate from a place of hurt femininity  and I have found that to be true…. When someone hurts you, is ignorant  instead of saying sorry and then hurts you all over again- it is easier to ignore the pain and develop bitter thoughts than to confront and process the hurt.

How could you honor someone who doesn’t “deserve” to be honored… We’re careful not to love too much, not care too much and we do not feel save to open up too deep in a generation where everyone leaves when conflicts arrise. We don’t wanna to get hurt therefore we don’t love as much.  Or perhaps we don’t realise how much someone means to us…until they are gone…? It is scary to love…. How do you know if this person is worth the pain? How do you know this will work out? Lift you up or tear your heart to pieces?

Sometimes the right person at the wrong time will always be a little too wrong. Sometimes people are not ready and you’re scared that they never will be. Never change. Never fight for love.  And realising that this is who they are right now … and there is nothing you can do about it, is not an easy thing to do.

We can’t change people…. We can’t fall in love with the idea of a person and hope that one day they will change into that better version of themselves….  lowering your expectations just because you feel like their heart is in the right place and someday they will grow into this perfect image isn’t fair. They have to learn and change on their own in their own timing… And there is no guarantee that they ever will…
And who can tell you when it is time to move on or if you should wait a little longer….
B. Taplin wrote that you can’t tell a heart that it’s time to move on. If you feel like moving on is a choice than that’s a sign that you already did… I think that’s true. But it’s probably not fair to stick around just to always make them feel like they are not good enough and always falling short… You can just decide whether or not this is an acceptable behavior for you. And if the answer is no….  your heart will find a way to say goodbye…eventually.

I listened to Keaton Henson’s music on repeat and thought the song was so accurately describing the sobering feeling of facing all the hurt and having to say goodbye to someone you will love for the rest of your life… No hate …No anger…. just the deafning sound of a not-meant-to-be.  A genuine tender sorry and thousand unspoken words you were never able to tell someone.

I fear goodbyes … I fear closure… Admitting that the person you’re loving is not able to give you the love you deserve. Maybe your heart is not ready yet to give up on someone… and that’s okay… The heart descides when it’s ready to move on… and able to trust again.

“How Could I Have Known”

How could I have known
You were the one for me?
How could I have known
You were the air I breathe
If I don’t believe in love?

How was I to know
I couldn’t live without
Your arms around me?
If you’d only come back now
I’d not let you down again
And how could you allow
One little love you saw?
How could I think
If you’d only hold me close
I’d not let you go again?

Guess I could’ve been
A better man
I should have held onto your coat
But how could I’ve known?

And now looking back
Should have been on my knees
But I can be cold
Shoulda said “Stay with me
Please don’t leave me alone”

And those other girls
They never made me feel
The way I do now
Know that our love was real
But I broke the deal
And now…

I’m out in the cold
Baby come hold me close
Please don’t let me drown
Woman I love the most
My holy ghost
Goddamn

Guess I could have tried
A little harder
I see comfort in being alone
How could I have known?

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What matters | some lovely thoughts on self-promotion

“It is the bridegroom who marries the bride, and the bridegroom’s friend is simply glad to stand with him and hear his vows. Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less”. John 3:29-30 As Christians, we often spiritualize the idea of self-promotion. […]

via A FRIEND OF THE BRIDEGROOM — Establish Her

New beginnings| anxiety

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New beginnings are hard. They are just as frightening as they exite. The reason why I didn’t feel like writing or blogging this last month is because I traveled back to europe and moved to one of the biggest cities there. I was so overwhelmed these last couple of days that I felt like I would never be able to be myself again (Jour 1 was not amour numéro 1 Louanne…it was hell!!!).

Actually I do like big cities. I love the diversity, countless strangers, shops, bars, coffee shops and activities… I just feel like big cities can swallow you up and spit you out in the blink of an eye … There is anonymity but therefore individuality suffers.. there is diversity and on the other hand people are struggeling to find their place…

Do you know this feeling of constantly being pushed into doing something and being busy and you start to push and break yourself as a result…. trying to live up to the standard and expectations of other people?… This is basically the situation right now. I had no grace left for myself…. basically 24/7 stress-self-destructive-mindset.

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I feel like I need to wind down and I’m in deep need for peace right know… There is too much noise  outside, inside. On the bright side: Someone else told me to slow down. Which is rare and surprised me to say the least… and I am the proud owner of some brand new unicorn slippers (I am obsessed!).

It is strange to share my thoughts on the internet… but honestly, I do not want to write exclusively about results and solutions my heart experienced…. Sometimes I am in need to share a little more process and chaos…

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Moving without friends is a hard thing to do. It is as if the universe is unignoribly confronting you with yourself. No safety, no directions, no comforting friends… nothing but your naked soul.  That’s where I realized that I am completely and utterly lost ….

 

Maybe we are in need to feel a little lost for the rest of our lives…..

Maybe feeling secure and in control of everything is a dangerous comforting Illusion…. Bill Johnson said something like: Where there is no mystery, there is no need to trust, no need to believe…

It sounds like …being at peace with not knowing what comes next.

“I abandon my addiction for the certainty of life and my need to know everything” 

 

Hope you guys had a lovely week. Next post will probably be beauty related since I went shopping this week  hehe  -which btw explains the unicorn slippers.

Love Mel

 

Hello 2017| daring to dream again

“Sunsets are proof that endings can often be beautiful too.”*

2016 is gone. Everybody seems to say that it has gone by the blink of an eye. And I couldn’t agree more. And it feels good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like that. It was like a year of holding my breath, numbness, waiting…enduring.  Almost giving up dreams, hopes, resignation.

And the weird thing is, that I still got high hopes for 2017. I am kind of excited for 2017… The opportunities are endless.

Sometimes I wish my life would be a little more boring. A little more normal. And I wish that I could forget about the things that happened and for a moment believe that there is no darkness.

But I have come to embrace that this is my life. Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I am so thankful that god has blessed me with simply being ok with me and him and now.

I kind of get why people rather wanna live in illusions rather than facing the truth and reality. Our system comforts us and we wanna feel save even if it lacks truth and costs authenticity.

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything and also believe it. Forget who I am. But it hurts in my heart to think how cruel this way of thinking is towards myself. It basically says, that there is no truth and no hope in those dark places of my heart, my past, my feelings. And that’s not the truth. Truth is always accompanioned by peace and clearity. It is a person not knowledge. It is Jesus.
Where there is darkness, there lights shines even brighter. It is hard to believe that when past is the only reality you know. And I don’t have an answer for that. I am just starting to feel that… maybe…just maybe…everything people say about god …and how they represent him …has nothing to do with how he really is…. And maybe …just maybe all my dreams and hopes are made by this precious heart…
I really hope that 2017 is a year of change… and of wonder… a year of hope and rain after a long dry season. Not just for me ….  For you …? For anyone who feels like there is no hope left and feels like dreams are about to be shattered forever.

Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you| Psalms 139,12

Where there is no one who understands, where cheap tips, half „truths“ and stupid comments have silenced you heart and you’ve sworn yourself to never entrust your heart again to anyone… where the pain finds no words and numbness froze your feelings in time…. And where you feel like everything stopped the moment you started to believe others more than yourself… Your own heart… his small voice in your heart…

I just wanna let you know that… I get that…  A good friend is someone who is able to just sit with you and endure this period of not having any answers. Who accepts that there is nothing we can do about it but wait. Saying nothing is not easy. It means accepting that things are out of your control and we are dependent on someone who is and maybe…just maybe ….this is not a bad thing at all…

Tolkien writes…

We found ourselves looking upon a familiar sight. We were home. How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on… when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend… some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold| J.R.R. Tolkien

Happy New Year…. to every single one of you… I never thought that I would actually enjoy writing online as much as I do right know…. I hope to invest more into blogging in 2017 and finally start a channel on youtube…. it just seems to be the scariest thing ever….but I plan on doing it…

Mel

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*Beau Taplin

Being authentic and self-acceptance

Being myself once was easier…but as you experience relationships, life breaks you… people break you.

If there is no one around you where you can be yourself, you likely will not be yourself around anyone. Maybe you will distance yourself from spending time alone because you don’t wanna face your real self anymore. You stop liking your self. Why facing it? Why listening to your heart if clearly nobody else does.

We constantly change ourselves in order to be more likable ….more accepted…and the price is your own heart…. it becomes numb. It doesn’t feel deep pain but therefore it doesn’t feel joy or peace as well. Continue reading “Being authentic and self-acceptance”

Building an online Presence

I am thinking about posting this for quite some time now but I guess I could not find the right words to express my thoughts.

People who are real with themselves, like really honest- they kind of expose my hidden motives. But it’s a good kind of exposure. An exposure that sets you free, reminds you of who you are and who you are forcing yourself to be.

It is almost as if your soul is taking a deep breath because you finally stop breaking yourself.

 

I often find myself  trying to present an image of myself, that others would like. That was one of the reasons why I deleted my facebook account and later on my instagram. I was constantly checking my likes and comments to get some validation from it.
(I wonder how many people who refuse to use social media are actually left…)

When I started to think about blogging or starting something online, I thought I would have to get rid of my flaws or hide them… be happy or at least create an image that is perfect, acting as if I am not me just to get a following. I know it is kind of embarrassing to admit…but you know..humans…

The more I am trying to be this image, the more I distance myself from my own heart…

I was actually following people on Instagram so that they would follow me back and stuff. You do not really talk about the things you do in order to get attention and approval, do you. You kind of just do them. You know, leaving comments so that others comment on your blog posts but you are actually not that interested in what they share.That is not a nice thing to do…( I already did it)

It is kind of scary to find myself doing it over and over again…but is alright… I think it’s important to accept your insecurities and try to understand your heart as you would try to understand a friend… It is what it is  and you can respect yourself and believe that there is a reason for everything… being a friend to your own heart and soul.

Also, it is quite amusing to admit things like this just to get it off your chest and I am sure you will be surprised how many people are actually doing the same thing. Maybe we all do this in some sort of way…. because we think how we really are is not interesting, not pretty enough…not good enough…

If I have a message or a thought or a picture that I want to share why is it so important how many people actually like it…. Or why do people try to write catchy songs, hits… Instead of just writing what is on their heart… This kind of stuff.

Why do we change the content of what we share because more people would like it, even if it means that what we do is no longer a product or representation of who we are… Why do I make a difference between 2 people and 200 people…. as if 2 people are not that important….

Why is a number connected to value…? Isn’t that crazy ?

Just some random thoughts.

Love

Mel

 

The struggles of starting a blog

Well, finally I did it.

I wanted to start a blog for YEARS but I never really did. There were all those little questions and problems that were stopping me from just giving this blog thing a go.
Maybe some of you who always wanted to start a blog can relate to that. I mean ‘What theme do i use?’ ‘Why do I have pay for my headline font to look fancy?’ Nobody has money for that…at least not me. ‘What language do I use?’ (english isn’t my first language) and most important problem of all problems out there ( well, not really):
Picking a blog name.

I used to start so many blogs or homepages …or websites but i never released even one post. I am quite a perfectionist when it comes to the appearance of something that should represent… me, I guess? I hate crappy designs! (artist problems)

Maybe it is not about figuring it all out… Maybe it is not about using perfect grammar and making no mistakes… and even if nobody reads this posts for months or a year, I should still do what I love even if it is not received with applause by thousands of readers.

I think it is quite intimidating to see all those good looking blogs out there (i do not know many of them), who seem to have a direction and a clear presentation of what they are all about. Not to mention the perfect designs.
But even they started little and maybe they were thinking about the possibility of nobody reading their stuff too -just as I am now.

Maybe it is also as scary as it is because you are putting something out there that you have created or you share a part of you with the world without knowing how the other side will respond to that.

Anyways,
I am sorry for using commas everywhere. I am so used to german grammar (we are using a ton of them!).

So… I hope you like the upcoming content…and enjoy reading it just as much as I love sharing it.

Lots of Love

Mel