emotional numbness is a part of healing

Hey guys,

I actually dont know who is still stopping by to check my blogposts but I haven’t posted something during this summer. Writing stuff basically requires you to think. And thinking means falling. Falling into thoughts, falling into feelings…falling into exploring your mind. And that was not something I was ready for this summer.
I briefly read a few thoughts from an article about emotional numbness, where the author described numbness as a part of a healing process and this thought eased my mind.

I always considered feeling nothing and being numb to be the worst that could ever happen to someone. So I never really tried to let these emotions of feeling nothing BE what they are. I didn’t appreciate them so i denied that numbness was something that was actually present right now and right here at this moment.
Wounds leave scars and scar-tissue is not something that is sensitive to warm, cold, a touch or water.  And that made me think.

This is kind of new to me… considering numbness to be a part of a healing process and not something where you are stuck in this nirvana of nothingness. Accepting even numbness and facing it as a part of who you are, means coming closer to the essence of your being and making peace with what is and what is not…. i guess.

I missed writing. I missed it so much.

This is nothing to special but it is a small step in the direction of what feels familiar to me.

Hugs XX

 

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gluten free spring peach tartes| vegan

I am proud to say that this was the best gluten free cake I ever made. Learning to bake gluten free takes some practice but it can be just as delish as common pastry.  And even though spring arrived baking season doesn’t have to be over.  The Secret for a delicious crust is to generously grease the tins. It keeps the crust hard while the inside stays moist and soft.

 

11cc68df3af8144a71b9738b8d54ad50-4Method:

Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/GM4.

In a bowl, cream together the eggs and sugar until light and fluffy. Mix in the butter, then add the flours, baking powder and a small splash of milk to form a smooth batter.

Divide between two tins and start layering the cutted peaches on top. Letting them sink into the mixture provides extra moisture and lightness to the cake. Bake for about 15 minutes before lightly coating them with a tbsp of butter and putting them back in the oven for another  10-15 minutes.

 

Ingredients for 2 small tartes:

– 3 eggs (vegan: 1 tbsp psylium and 2 tbsp soaked ground flaxseed)

  • 160 g sugar
  • 200 g soy butter (room temperature)
  • 100 ml soy milk
  • 1  cup rice flour
  • 3/4 cup manioca flour (or GF oat flour)
  • 1/4 cup corn starch
  • 2 tbsp baking powder
  • 5 apricots
  • soy butter to grease tins and cake

Alternatives:

You can always opt for any other vegan or normal butter. Just make sure it is not rock solid when you start your baking.

If you bought gluten free flour mix, there is no need to add psylium, corn starch rice flour or manioca flour.

Goodbyes.| when it’s time

The hardest thing about goodbyes is when you’re constantly asking yourself whether letting go of someone is the undeniable solution or an awful mistake…  I honestly haven’t found an answer to that question yet… But facing the hard truth that your reasons for leaving are solid and once hurted you so bad that you were no longer able to be yourself …that’s a brave thing to do … I guess….  The fear of never stop missing someone causes me to enforce closure. But how do you let go of someone you want to spend every minute with and how could you allow someone to become this important in the first place. Love is a scary thing isn’t it…  And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing…

I think we are all scared of love and almosts… Because there is this non-perfect person being far too close to our heart of hearts and letting them in means giving them power. It makes me sad when people abuse this power by calling someone crazy, rejecting them for their insecurities  or if I hear couples making fun of one anothers weaknesses and they expose  intead of covering and honoring… Idk …  maybe that’s considered to be normal in our desensitized dishonoring society where men are called stupid and women crazy. Leslie Ludy once mentioned in one of her articles that sarcastic jokes about men’s mistakes originate from a place of hurt femininity  and I have found that to be true…. When someone hurts you, is ignorant  instead of saying sorry and then hurts you all over again- it is easier to ignore the pain and develop bitter thoughts than to confront and process the hurt.

How could you honor someone who doesn’t “deserve” to be honored… We’re careful not to love too much, not care too much and we do not feel save to open up too deep in a generation where everyone leaves when conflicts arrise. We don’t wanna to get hurt therefore we don’t love as much.  Or perhaps we don’t realise how much someone means to us…until they are gone…? It is scary to love…. How do you know if this person is worth the pain? How do you know this will work out? Lift you up or tear your heart to pieces?

Sometimes the right person at the wrong time will always be a little too wrong. Sometimes people are not ready and you’re scared that they never will be. Never change. Never fight for love.  And realising that this is who they are right now … and there is nothing you can do about it, is not an easy thing to do.

We can’t change people…. We can’t fall in love with the idea of a person and hope that one day they will change into that better version of themselves….  lowering your expectations just because you feel like their heart is in the right place and someday they will grow into this perfect image isn’t fair. They have to learn and change on their own in their own timing… And there is no guarantee that they ever will…
And who can tell you when it is time to move on or if you should wait a little longer….
B. Taplin wrote that you can’t tell a heart that it’s time to move on. If you feel like moving on is a choice than that’s a sign that you already did… I think that’s true. But it’s probably not fair to stick around just to always make them feel like they are not good enough and always falling short… You can just decide whether or not this is an acceptable behavior for you. And if the answer is no….  your heart will find a way to say goodbye…eventually.

I listened to Keaton Henson’s music on repeat and thought the song was so accurately describing the sobering feeling of facing all the hurt and having to say goodbye to someone you will love for the rest of your life… No hate …No anger…. just the deafning sound of a not-meant-to-be.  A genuine tender sorry and thousand unspoken words you were never able to tell someone.

I fear goodbyes … I fear closure… Admitting that the person you’re loving is not able to give you the love you deserve. Maybe your heart is not ready yet to give up on someone… and that’s okay… The heart descides when it’s ready to move on… and able to trust again.

“How Could I Have Known”

How could I have known
You were the one for me?
How could I have known
You were the air I breathe
If I don’t believe in love?

How was I to know
I couldn’t live without
Your arms around me?
If you’d only come back now
I’d not let you down again
And how could you allow
One little love you saw?
How could I think
If you’d only hold me close
I’d not let you go again?

Guess I could’ve been
A better man
I should have held onto your coat
But how could I’ve known?

And now looking back
Should have been on my knees
But I can be cold
Shoulda said “Stay with me
Please don’t leave me alone”

And those other girls
They never made me feel
The way I do now
Know that our love was real
But I broke the deal
And now…

I’m out in the cold
Baby come hold me close
Please don’t let me drown
Woman I love the most
My holy ghost
Goddamn

Guess I could have tried
A little harder
I see comfort in being alone
How could I have known?

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pinks and peaches| spring fashion

April.

Can you believe it? We are already in the midst of spring and everything is blossoming in bright and pastel colors. I love spring. If hope would have a scent it would smell like sunny fresh spring evenings. I have a lot of things on my mind lately and that’s the reason why I feel like keeping it short and sweet. Just a little ootd post. By the way: Can we please take a moment to appreciate T.J. Maxx for a sec? Fashion is always developing and reinventing itself. There are endless shops out there, offering more or less the same ideas of fashion trend implementation and then there is T.J.Maxx. It is not the shop to stock up on basics. It’s where you go to find gem stones. They offer pieces I haven’t seen anywhere else. Fashion trends with an individual twist to them.  They are not on display, you have to find them between 80% of items you would never consider wearing. That’s where you find pink cord dungarees for 14 £.

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Dungarees: TJ Max Top: from Brasil  Bracelet: H&M

Wish you guys a lovely weekend

xx Mel

 

Benefit porefessional primer dupe| KIKO skin trainer CC blur

Since I had a little shopping “problem” ( to say the least), I payed a visit to our local KIKO store only to walk out with some make up in my bag and a guilty feeling conscience a few minutes later. But yolo right .. lol.

The primer I bought convinced me immediately because my pores basically disappeared when I swatched it on the back of my hand.

I have used it a couple of times and I am loving it so far. I always thought primers wouldn’t make that much of a difference in how your makeup looks and lasts, but it does make a difference!

It does half of foundation’s job by evening out texture and color correcting- that’s of course if you use a good primer.

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Kiko’s skin trainer CC blur is one of those good primers you should invest in. Benefit porefessional is hyped for a reason but the price tag makes me hesitate (it’s about 35 bucks for 22 ml).

The skin trainer costs about 24 $. It is not drugstore pricing but I guess a primer is where you want to invest.
Especially when you’re struggeling with caky makeup, redness or blemishes like I do. It really  does help! And it doesn’t irritate my slightly visible perioral dermatitis, so that’s always a plus. You don’t need to use a lot of foundation and therefore your makeup looks more natural, more skin-like.

I tried to capture it’s effects in a swatch but the photography doesn’t show it as well. If you take a close look you can see that the left side is a  bit more blured out.

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But you can go to your local kiko store and grab a tester and see for yourself. Do you guys have primer secrets? I would love to know.

xx Love Mel

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Being all in | midnight pondering poetry

You wanna get to know me? Show me all of who you are and then some more. Unveil your fears and joys, Let them loose…falling into arms that are willing to hold and discover your soul.

Let your mind unfold before my eyes, show me that this is what you want. No holding back.
This is what safety feels like. Seeing you letting yourself fall into this. Into love.
This is what it takes to dig deep into a persons soul and mind.

We never started|

Jemwisper’s compilation of movie scenes and cutouts .   I think this is heart- gripping art…  telling a story … making people cry… hope…feel! This particular edit is called ‘we never started’ …  Thought I might share it with you guys.

 

I dont like seeing myself being needy|random thoughts

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„Being needy equals being  worthless“. That’s what my thoughts bouldly proclaim. Fully convinced that I would never be that person, I distanced myself from everything that could possibly show my weakness. I don’t mean weakness as in crying or feeling sad or not being able to function.  I mean the kind of weakness where my wounds are bleeding. Where I accuse people and hold on too tight because I fear being alone. I rarely allow myself to loose control but it happens.

I mean being clingy. Wanting a friend so bad that I am willing to ignore that the other person is maybe not as interested in this relationship as I am.

Being that person who depends on someone elses love and care…. I never thought I would do that…. At least I would have never admited it.

We all despise the idea of being needy. We are independent and strong. We don’t need anyone but ourselves ….right?

But …why? What’s wrong with wanting to be loved…? Am I not human like others?  What I mean is….We should not feel ashamed of this need for love. It’s completely normal for a human being to seek unconditional love. We are made for love.
Sometimes we are just searching in the wrong places… in people… attention…approval or likes….  but there’s nothing wrong with feeling needy. I guess it’s just humiliating if we see ourselves showing off this insecure part of ours.

Because we know most people can’t handle weakness. Being needy is seen as unattractive….we would rather show everybody how dettached we are…oh how independent and strong.

I am speaking of myself here… I am immediately turned off by a guy who is getting clingy…. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that it’s healthy to depend on a person’s love. It’s just the way we react to that.

Maybe you are the only person this guy is opening up to …and we need to be careful in handling a delicate heart….

With careful, wise words  and a gentle spirit. It’s okay sometimes to be a clingy mess….It reveals our fears and hidden lies. Buried so deep in our hearts that only someone who’s dear to our soul can unveil them. Even when they are not the solution to the problem.

Do you guys know this feeling? Do you have this one person in your life who turns you into a beautiful needy mess?

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It is what it is| poetry picks

Just had some thoughts on love these past couple of days…. That maybe sometimes we need to let go the idea of how it should have happened and how it is supposed to be and just let it be what it is…

This would mean to aknowledge and believe that everything happens for a reason…and that everything is okay… right now …right here…  between loosing myself and loosing what I love …  I don’t know what to do … Truth is, nobody knows you like you know yourself. No one knows if you are at peace or about to compromise..  The hardest thing is to see everything as it is… all cards on the table dear self. And if confusion is everything there is for now, than let it be  confusion … and wait. Wait and see.

No rushing into compromises….And no letting go… Giving it time to unfold into whatever it’s supposed to become…mh …

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I thought I might share a poem from one of my favourite poets Erich Fried…. The way he writes about love just gets to you…well at least it gets to me.

Although I can’t find a translation of my favourite poem, I thought about including this one…

 

What it is

It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is calamity
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ludicrous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love